discover me, discovering spew

S: i am back to being sick again

E: what the heck? i thought you miraculously recovered

S: now i am coughing up all the snot i had on tuesday

E: effin nasty

S: are we surprised that my body is not a wonderland?

with friends like these

s: i don't have anything to hide...i don't tell you "i miss you."

e: we, in fact, don't miss each other

s: i told my shrink today, "e would slap my face if i said 'i miss you'"

e: [pause]

e: i cant even deal with you saying you miss me even in an abstract hypothetical sense

he's no american express

s: i told [my boyfriend] that i am going to vegas...i just didnt mention that you were also going to be there.

e: dude it's your birthday this wasnt planned in conjunction with me
i'm just going for a wedding

s: no, i KNOW that..it's just funny that you are everywhere i want to be...like visa

he's pretty straight, vol. 1

e: is rapping on a justin bieber song the greatest thing ludacris has done?
i think so

he's got legs...he knows how to use them

e and s discuss the prospect of e meeting s's notoriously offensive "boyfriend"



e: i'm fucking wearing armor to snuggie night

s: he wont do shit to you.

e: i'm still scared of him

s: don't be. he's a baby

e: i'd literally kick him in the head if he asked me if i was a fag**

literally

i know how to kick now, too

and it wouldnt be a faggy kick either










** e is not a homophobe, but rather is channeling the likely vernacular of s's "boyfriend," who may, in fact, be a homophobe...cause s only goes for quality

big trouble in little korea

e: i refuse to date koreans. sorry korea, you had your chance.
s: north and south out of the picture?
e: now that you mention it, a north korean girl would be rare indeed. like a midget.
s: dear christ, can you find a north korean midget?
e: it's now my life goal
s: aim high... or in this case, low.

hot tub wisdom

e: i think i was invited to a hot tub party...not sure how i feel about it.
s: if tv has taught me anything it's that hot tubs lead to sex on a first date or, according to the movie previews, time travel.